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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25564120">no one to blame (but the drink)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Femstyles/pseuds/Femstyles'>Femstyles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Codependency, Exes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Open Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:41:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25564120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Femstyles/pseuds/Femstyles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry misses Louis. He knows Louis deserves better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>no one to blame (but the drink)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is 100% a piece of fiction. I do not claim to know either of the characters and do not belive this is an accurate depiction of either of them. </p><p>This work may be triggering for those who are struggling with alcohol addiction, mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression, and those who may have experienced a toxic/codependent relationship. Please read with caution if any of those apply to you (And also please know I am rooting for you always xo)</p><p>Thank you endlessly to my beta for this fic, <a href="https://uhohmorshedios.tumblr.com/">Gillian</a> for all the kind words and amazing help you provided with this. I appreciate you greatly.</p><p>The title is from Falling by Harry Styles which helped inspire this story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry is hot. His body is overheating and his muscles are screaming with the need for water. Pushing himself up from the bed, he steps toward the window in his room and stumbles before he is able to catch himself with his hands on the sill. </p><p>He takes a moment to right himself until the room stops spinning. Once he feels like he's got himself steady he reaches up and shoves the window open. </p><p>The cool air smacks him in the face, sobering him for a brief moment. It's enough for him to get back to the bed without stumbling and he manages to lay down before the alcohol takes back over. </p><p>"Lou?" He calls out into the flat, his eyes staring up at the water spot that stains the ceiling above his head in the shitty apartment he started renting a month ago.</p><p>Silence answers him. So he shouts louder; "Louis!?"</p><p>He wonders if Louis can hear him. If his voice carries out the window, across town and into the flat they use to share.</p><p>But if it does, Louis doesn't answer. Just like he didn't answer his texts from earlier in the night. Because Louis doesn't need him, not anymore. He probably never really did. </p><p>As he closes his eyes against the tears that fill his eyes at that knowledge, Harry thinks pitifully that maybe he still needs Louis.</p><p>The first thing Harry notices as his body starts to wake up is the cool air filtering in through the window. The second thing he notices is the pounding in his head.</p><p>He breathes out slowly to try and curb the nausea that swirls in his belly and slowly opens his eyes to survey the damage he’d caused the night before. His bedroom is more or less the same as it always is but the window is wide open, a vague memory of being too warm the night before coming to mind.</p><p>He winces as he rolls over and sees the bottle of vodka sitting on the bedside table, his stomach turning uncomfortably as he hurries to get up and to the toilet. He makes it, but just barely. </p><p>Once his stomach is empty he rinses his mouth with mouthwash and trudges back to the bed. His head feels like it might explode but he knows there’s not much that he can do about that at this point. Instead, he grabs his phone from where it’s nestled in his sheets and plugs it in before he starts to flick through it through squinted eyes.</p><p>He pauses when he sees that his texting app has a new message notification. He opens it and frowns when he sees ‘Louis’ in bold telling him who the message is from. </p><p>He doesn’t have the strength to open it and see what an ass he made of himself, so he locks the phone and curls back up to try and sleep off some of the nasty hangover he gave himself. </p><p>When he wakes up again he’s lost track of the time. Thankfully his headache has subsided a bit at this point in the day so he picks his phone back up and checks the time. Just after ten.</p><p>Harry sighs and makes his way to the shower. His stomach growls but the thought of food makes him want to be sick again. By the time he’s clean and his teeth are brushed, Harry is beginning to feel somewhat like himself again. </p><p>As he dries himself off he remembers the message in his phone and he decides to check it. He opens it up and reads the messages from the night before with a frown on his face.</p><p><strong>Harry</strong>: I still love you</p><p><strong>Harry</strong>: Why did you leave me alone?</p><p><strong>Harry</strong>: I need you</p><p><strong>Louis</strong>: Go to sleep, H</p><p>Harry's cheeks burn with humiliation. He's been so good about not texting or calling Louis, he doesn't want to hurt him more than he already has. He sits there wondering how the hell he can apologize for needy middle of the night texts to his ex when his phone dings again and a new message pops up.</p><p><strong>Louis</strong>: Would you like to meet me for coffee?</p><p>The breath leaves Harry's lungs like he's been punched in the gut and his fingers type out “yes” before he can stop them or think about it too hard.  </p><p>Louis is fairly quick to respond with the name of a shop and “see you in thirty” but Harry still wonders if Louis regrets asking him to coffee. Maybe he should have said no.</p><p>Thirty minutes isn't long in the grand scheme of things, but it's enough time for Harry to work himself into a bit of a panic. He checks the clock anxiously, it's only a five-minute walk to the little shop, and he's still got five minutes or so to go before he should leave. </p><p>His heart is racing in his chest and he thinks about backing out, telling Louis he doesn't think it’s a good time. Pacing the floor, Harry decides he needs just a little bit of liquid courage, so he makes his way to the little cabinet he keeps his liquor in and tosses back a shot of vodka. It burns harshly in his throat, and he quickly screws the cap back on the bottle and stashes it away. </p><p>He feels the alcohol run through his system rather quickly. It’s nowhere near enough to even get him to a buzz, but it's enough that his nerves start to settle the slightest bit and it eases the slight edges of the remaining headache. Running his hand through his short hair he pulls on a hoodie and starts out the door. </p><p>Louis isn't there when he gets there. Harry glances at a clock on the wall in the shop and notes that there's still a few minutes before Louis is officially late, so he takes a seat in a booth toward the back of the shop. </p><p>Harry picks at the skin at the corner of his left thumb and tries not to fidget too much as he waits. It's not long before the bell above the door dings and Harry glances up to see Louis already looking his way. </p><p>Louis is dressed in dark jeans and a jumper that Harry remembers buying him last year around Christmas before things got really bad. He looks beautiful with his hair across his forehead looking so soft and Harry can't help but want to run his fingers through it. Louis gestures with his chin toward the counter so Harry gets up and heads over to buy their drinks. </p><p>Harry doesn't quite know what to say yet, so he settles on a quiet "Hey" and Louis returns it before he steps up to order a tea. Harry orders himself a black coffee and then pays for both their drinks.</p><p>It's quiet still between them while they wait, and even for another few moments as they sit back down at the table Harry had chosen earlier. Louis is watching him and Harry feels so small, like Louis is reading him like a book.</p><p>Louis takes a sip of his tea and looks down at the liquid for a moment, his eyes finally reaching up to meet Harry's. "You're still drinking." </p><p>It's not a question, but it doesn’t need to be. Louis knows. He nods his head yes anyway and swallows against the shame he feels. </p><p>"I thought that was the whole point of this," Louis says quietly, his voice fragile and soft as he gestures at the space between them.</p><p>"I know. I'm trying," Harry tells him solemnly. It's not a lie, he thinks about it every time he reaches for the bottle. "It's just so hard."</p><p>"You said you'd try. What happened to the appointment you said you'd made with the therapist?" Louis asks, his eyes studying Harry's face so intently that he knows there's no use in trying to lie.</p><p>"I didn't go." </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"Because there's no fucking point Louis." Harry snaps. He doesn't mean to, but he's had this conversation so many times.</p><p>He regrets it immediately, the way Louis' eyes drop to the cup of tea he holds in his hands and he just looks so defeated. He tries to find the right words to say what he really means, but Louis fills the silence first.</p><p>"The point was for you to get better," he reminds Harry quietly, his eyes staring at the liquid instead of looking anywhere near Harry. "I care about you, I want you to get past this because you deserve to be happy, Harry."</p><p>Harry wants to reach out. He wants to grab Louis' hand and lace their fingers together and somehow telepathically tell him everything he feels. But he keeps his hand on his half of the table. </p><p>He knows that was the point of their break up. He was supposed to get better, to find a way to get through the storm that always shrouds his mind in a cloud of darkness. He was meant to go to therapy, to stop drinking, and stop relying so heavily on Louis to be his rock because Louis really does deserve the world. </p><p>Guilt fills his chest as he realizes he's done absolutely none of that. In fact, he's done damn well the opposite. He's sat in his apartment and drank himself to sleep every night. He's distanced himself from his remaining friends, he hasn't called his mum in nearly a week. And maybe worst of all, he's still hurting Louis.</p><p>The tears fill his eyes and he tips his head back to keep them from falling because he really doesn't want to make Louis feel worse than he already has. </p><p>When he feels like he can keep himself together appropriately, Harry clears his throat gently and takes a small sip from his mug. Louis finally looks up, his blue eyes shining with emotions Harry can only wish he could take away.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he says softly, his eyes studying Louis' face carefully. "I shouldn't have texted. It won't happen again." </p><p>Louis gives him the saddest smile Harry thinks he's ever seen. There's a moment of pause where Harry thinks Louis might say something, but instead, he reaches across the table and laces their fingers together wordlessly.</p><p>"I just miss you," Harry admits after a few moments, his voice shaking and barely above a whisper. "I wish I could have been better."</p><p>He wishes he could have met Louis before he was messed up, before he relied so heavily on a drink in his hand to get him through the days. He wishes he hadn't shouted so much, hadn't let himself get carried away with his anxious thoughts. He wishes Louis had been strong enough to say goodbye for good the first time Harry had tried to push him away in a drunken fit. </p><p>"I miss you too," Louis answers and his fingers squeeze Harry's to get him to look back at his eyes. It works, and Harry can see the love in there still; it's mixed with sadness and hurt but it's still there.</p><p>Harry bites the inside of his cheek to keep his lip from wobbling and he just watches Louis for a moment. Louis' eyes don't meet his, but Harry knows he can feel him staring even though he doesn't say anything. </p><p>He misses everything about the man before him. He misses how Louis sings while he cleans, that he starts reading a book but will rarely finish it, the way he watches footie on the television like he's there watching it live, and how no matter how many times Harry asks him he still leaves his socks everywhere for Harry to find on laundry days.</p><p>He misses the way Louis loves with his whole heart, which turns out to be both a blessing and a curse when the person he's loving doesn't deserve all that love. </p><p>Harry wishes more than anything that he had deserved that love, and he knows that they both desperately need the space to grow before they could be anything that the other person needs. He knows that this moment of quiet between them in a busy cafe may be the last few moments he ever gets with Louis, which is more than he thought he would have a few days ago. So he soaks it up and commits it all to memory in case he doesn't ever get to the point where he knows he can be what Louis needs. </p><p>The bags under Louis' eyes show that he hasn't been sleeping well, and he wonders if Louis tosses and turns all night trying to find the warmth of a familiar body in the sheets like he does.</p><p>"I'm going to get better," he promises. He thinks he means it this time. He's going to go to see the therapist he and Louis had found a few weeks ago, he's going to pour every bottle down the drain, and he's going to do this for real this time. </p><p>Maybe when he comes out on the other side he can be what Louis needs. Or maybe in the meantime, Louis will find someone who can be what he needs – he doesn't really want Louis to wait around for him. </p><p>Louis nods his head with a faint smile on his lips, this one still sad but not like it was before. "I know you will," he murmurs with a squeeze to Harry's hand. "You know where to find me when you get there." </p><p>They sit there quietly for a while just watching each other. There's so much that Harry wants to say, but the words don't come and he doesn't push them. Instead, he holds Louis' hand, his thumb gently rubbing circles on the back of the other man's hand. </p><p>It's comforting to have Louis close to him, being able to touch him even in the smallest of ways. He knows this is the last time for a while that he will get this so he soaks every little bit of it up until his coffee is long gone.</p><p>When Louis takes the last sip of his tea, he pulls his hand away gently from Harry's with a final squeeze. Harry nods his head and moves to get up. </p><p>"Thank you, Louis," Harry says as they stand face to face at the edge of the booth. He wants to hug Louis but he won't be the one to cross that boundary. </p><p>Louis does it instead. He reaches up and pulls Harry into his arms, and his face presses into Harry's neck. Wrapping his arms around Louis feels like coming home, and he takes a moment to breathe him in before Louis pulls back. </p><p>Louis presses a kiss to Harry's cheek before he steps back to put some space between them. His eyes are shining again as he turns toward the door. </p><p>"I'll see you soon," Louis tells him once the cool air surrounds them. </p><p>Harry isn't sure how long it will be before he's past this, but he nods his head and smiles softly back to Louis. "See you soon, Lou."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading, you can reblog the fic post <a href="https://femstyles.tumblr.com/post/624898785613643776/no-one-to-blame-but-the-drink">Here</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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